Can’t sleep?

Lately have not been sleeping well.Only managed to sleep around 3am onwards.Don’t ask me why cos I myself not sure why I can’t really sleep.

One of my friend said that perhaps I have “alot of stories” in my head which I did not let go and lead to this unable to sleep at night.I know what he meant by that.But…I don’t see myself facing any “stories” in my life at the moment.As far as I am concern,everything is doing just fine.

But I do admit that I have been thinking alot…thinking of so many things which is happening in my life now.What is good?What is bad?Is it ok?Is it not etc…I tried myself not to think too hard about this and that but I just can’t help it.Certain things just need to be think hard,hard enough.

Sometimes I wish that I were back to schooling time where I just need to study and be home and play with my friends.

Well,guess this is part of life…

Relationship

What is relationship? Have you ever wonder why you must be involve in a relationship but just to make you feel worst most of the times? I’m not saying that I am facing a worst relationship but just wonder why people behave this and that way.I have to agree with my friends and even MC that I am too “involve” to work that I forget I have the one I love who is my boyfriend,MC.Maybe I was too long to have been in this kind of life that it makes me forget the word relataionship about.As we have already lay out what and where our weakness in the relationship and hope to improve in it.

You have changed.You are not Lina that I used to know months back or even year back.You are too engrossed in your working life that you don’t even bother about yourself.If you don’t even bother about yourself,how to even bother about others especially the one that you love?You must love yourself in order to love others isn’t it?(sounds familiar though…hmm)

And when someone who I loved said something like that,it affect me not little but much…perhaps I didn’t realise the changes in myself.
Sigh….

How can someone love the person when he/she don’t even care about his/her feelings isn’t it?At least try to put yourself in the person’s shoes when you want to say something that will hurt the person down deep inside.Maybe the person don’t show but if it were to happen to you,will you accept it?Will you wonder if the person who you love even got love you or not,right?I’m not trying to find trouble or what here,just want to lay out my thoughts…

hmmm…life of a relationship sure have ups and downs.But depends on the couples how to tackle the problems.In a relationship,it’s not a one sided love but you need 2 hands to clap…..

Family

People have always think that my family is the best family.Seeing us outside makes others think that we are the type of family who do not have any problems or should I say lesser problems faced.

Even MC was shocked to hear that my family is just like other families who have problems faced and we are having difficult time to “clean” the problems.

I do not want to elaborate any further about this.Only people who are close to me like SL and MC will know about what my family facing.Even my bestfriend,Diva do not know as much as the other 2 important people in my life knows.Certain things are not meant to be shared even if she/her is my bestfriend.

Recently,what happend in my family makes me envy my other friends family like Diva,SL and even MC.Do you know how the world seems to be when your own mother don’t want to talk to you?I just feel like in hell.At home,even it’s my own home,I was being treated like stranger.Do my own washing,cleaning or whatever I want to do on my own.

Do you know how envy I was when I was sick,but none of my family members bother about me.Doesn’t even bother to offer if I want to eat or what.Just leave me alone being sick…and worst I feel more sick than ever staying at home.But when Tiger Lily had an operation,she was being treated like “God”?It’s not that I want to compare or what but why must have this kind of treatment amongst the siblings?Am I not your daughter?Or maybe I am just a daughter who was being “picked” by the rubbish.

And when my clothes that I had washed were not being hang to dry but other’s were hang to dry?Why can’t I even cook in my own house?Why can’t I eat at home?All this questions have been lingering in my head for long…

Can’t remember exactly when this started and wonder when will all this ends?At times,I just feel that I was not born to this family if I were to be treated this way.You know how I feel everyday when  I get home and people in the home were just don’t bother about my presence at home?But when I am at home,there is for sure something to be picked on to find fault on me.Why?

And you know how I felt when my own parents said this remarks of asking me to get married faster and get out of the house and follow my husband?You know how hurt I was?Why everytime,we quarell,this kind of remarks must be thrown to me?Why can’t I say my point of view?Must I keep quiet all the while?Just listen to what my parents got to say and abide of what they say although I know it is wrong?But they always claimed that I am being rebelious for not listeningto them?Yes,I know that but I am big enough to say think what is right and wrong isn’t it?

I am turning 28 this year but my parents still treat me as if I am still a school kid.Why?I also need my own freedom what.Need to spend my life outside too and can’t expect me to just sit at home isn’t it?Well,it’s not as if I am going back late every night anyway.

Of what has been happening to my life with my family…makes me don’t feel like going home.But I have no choice but still have to go home isn’t it?And that’s why I will find every single kind of reasons just to go home late.I know it’s not healthy this way but at least it’s better rather than I quarell every time I go home isn’t it?I rather spend my time outside cos it’s make my life more relaxed and chilled.

Whatever it is….blood is still thicker than water….

Being surrounded by the ones you loved…

Lately,I have this thoughts in my head where I wonder if the people close to me really love me or just being there for show?
Having parents to take care of their children no matter what – should it or should it not?
How would you feel if you are the only one who had to be picked on no matter what.As if you are the only one staying in the house that you have to be pick on?Why must that happened?Just because you did a mistake,doesn’t mean you cant be forgiven,right?
How would you feel if you bought something out of thinking that she/he would like the thing as you had went for holiday but the thing was returned back to you just like that?
A family but being treated as an outside in the house?
Why must you being treated differently from you rother siblings?
When you had your tooth extracted,being at home was the best medicine you would ever had isn’t it?But….you are being treated as if you are not exist in the house.Didn’t bother if you have eaten or not or simple say dont even bother about you.But when your other sibling had a minor operation,she/he was being taken care well.Cooked porridge for her/him.Dont allow him/her to do any household chores.Why must the love and affectionate towards the children be different?Why must the children being treated differently?Should’t they been treated/loved/cared equally?

I really dont understand why must I being punished till like that?Treat me as an outsider and the feeling of not being welcome to the house.Everything you do in the house is like not being appreciated but instead being commented and being picked on even simple thing.

Well,perhaps I have gotten used to it that  I dont bother what is happening in the house.I just do what I feel I should do and what I think is right.I rather spend my time more outside than in the house.Maybe because I began to feel uncomfortable in my own house.haiz…I have never feel so sianz to go home early like now.How long will it gonna be like this?

As for the one that I love – MC.
I am getting mentally affected by what he gotta say to me.He just say whatever he feels like saying without even think what will I feel.Sometimes it do wonders me if he really loves me?What is Love to him about?
Love is just not to make love or being there for him/her when they need us.
Love is about sacrifices things for the one you loved.
Love is about taking in consideration of what your couple gonna feel or think when you do something.
Love is about taking care of the one that you loved.
Love is blind?
No love in this world is pure?

If being hurt by the one you loved is a pain,will you still love the person?
Should you give the person a chance to love you if he really means he love you?
What if he/she continues to hurt you?Will you still love the person?

sianz

How would you feel if you pick up the phone and the person on the other line scolded you at his top of his voice?

The person will just scold you and don’t even let you talk.

How do you feel?

Frustrated and irritated right?

Yes,that’s exactly how I feel.

Worst still if the person is not the one who can be ask to talk for discussion.

Only want to listen to him and I cant even have a say?

Then for what we stay in the same house?

Treating someone who is 27 years old like a small kid who is still schooling and don’t know what to do.

I am not those kids who is below 21 years who is still young.Come on,what if it is you that is being pick fault on everyday.

Whatever you do everyday is like being in Hell when that is your house.

Yeah,a house where you look for shelter etc. but is like hell to you.

I am always at fault for this and that but others in the house?

Just because I don’t gave a visit to my grandpa must pick fault at me?How about the others siblings?Why didnt you scold them?Why must it be me ,me and only me?

Being the owner of the house,I cant even have a say in the house?

All this while,I pay for almost all the bills at home,you didnt see?

And when I highlight for help to pay the bills,you said I’m being calculative?

Do you know that when I need money no one is at help?

I am left being alone in the dark crying and hope that money will fall from the sky.

Yeah,this is what happening to me when I’m in need of money.But,being me….I just dont want my parents to worry about me.

Want to go check up also,I’m thinking twice to go or not to go.Want to got to the dentist also think twice.Why?Because if I were to go,what am I gonna eat later of the weeks and paying bills at home is more important than anything else.

Think my pay is big?Just because I OT,doesn’t mean I have alot of money do I?

 

MC

I have always though that me and MC will never quarell…but I was wrong…

After few months together,it seems the “love world” of ours is getting sour.

And most of the quarells are started by him and not me.

Can you imagine?We even quarell about me logging in the msn?

When I said i just log in for fun,he could not accept it.He was saying that how can i log in for fun if i would have waited for other guys (let me make it bold her GUYS and not gals)to msn with me?

What the hell?Because of that also,we can end up quarelling.

I agree with Izmell who said that MC is overjealousy and I don’t know how I can tahan is jealousy.Too over….

Why Izmell was involve?It all started with the smses that non stop between me and Izmell one of the night when MC was at my house.

It was hari raya month and he had came because my mum invited him over for makan and not forgetting some of my sisters’ friends came over.

That’s when he noticed I kept messasing non stop.As per normal,he’s the type who is very curious…who always wanted to know what is happening?

So ,I let him know.Being me,who thinks nothing so straightforward let MC know.But I was wrong….

Not everything I should tell MC about.

hiazz…

And there we quarell under the void deck when he insisted to go home since I was so busy smsing…

I was like???

Well,all this while I am being patient with him…

But I’m just worried how long I can stand with his character like that.

Best Friend cum Soulmate

All this while I have a friend who I regard as my bestfriend but I just realise one thing and that is I and her cant be bestfriend.
Why?Cos alot of things she is always not there for me.In the end,I will end up being hurt.To see I’m the type of person who do not like to voice out this type of things which end up making me feel being hurt.

What is bestfriend?Who can be the ever bestfriend in your life?

Bestfriend is a person who you can talk to about whatever things in your life and always being there to give you support,comments,compliments and guide you in whatever you do in life.

The best person for that is your soulamte.Cos he/she will understand you more rather than your so called friend.Being happy/sad/angry etc should not only be one sided.It should be a two way communications.In a malay proverb,it sounded like this:Pinch the right side of the leg,the left side also can feel the pain.
In my case,I can only see it happening to me but not the other party.In the end,I am always end up feeling upset,angry and frustrated.Yeah,I am mentioning this about diva.Why only the happy moments we can share?But not the sad moments?

Lately,she really have a hurt me alot and which had made me think,really sit down and think.It’s true that we have went through thick and thin together since we were in secondary school.She was always there when I needed her most.But since she worked as a air stewardess,she has really changed alot.Not only in te thinking,but also the way she feel for me.She’s no longer able to be there when I needed her consult till the moment I became friends wit SL.Although she’s only a good friend to me but she understand me more than how diva understand me.She is always there to give me support etc.And if she need to give me comments,she will be there too.She meant well at times although it hurts me when she tell me off,at least I know she care and concern for me.

And till the day I being friends with MC now cum my soulmate.I can talk every single thing to him and we do not hide things and we will always be there to tell what is good and bad cos at times,humans just tend to beout of their mind thinking different from each othere.And that’s when you need someone who you can trust to be your bestfriend.

To think of it,it’s not that I have forget your help all this while,Diva.It’s time for me to wake up from my sleep and realise that at times,you just need me to ask for things.Once you get what you want,I’ll be left hanging alone again.Which is not fair for me isn’t it?And when it happened to you,you start to say how can I do that to  you lah etc..But have you ever realise what you have done in the first place?

Life

Suddenly I feel so disappointed and upset with myself.

When the time I want to spend time with him,that’s when so many things are against us.

Perhaps this is what it called testing my patience.

It was a week that he had gone to Karimun Island for work and only came back early Sunday morning.

Sad part is that is the day only meant for me to rest or I can say help around with the household chores.

Although,lately I felt as if I am not being “wanted” in that house,I still do my work as normal.

My sister said I have changed?In what sense?As far as I am concerned,I still do my household chores as normal.

What things in the house that I didn’t do or helpout?

Perhaps,mom had asked you more than me to do things as obviously she’s not in the talking term with me didnt she?

If that you ment by I had changed,than you are wrong.Not an inch that I have changed.

Maybe I am not used to those days where after work I went home straight.But now,since I am with MC,i have been spending more time outside rather than at home.But still,I didn’t go home late at night did I?I still reach home before 12am.

Why last time when I was schooling/working,I used to go home late,no one questioned me why spend time more outside than at home?

Why now when I’m with MC ,you guys always trying to find fault with me especially dad.

I just don’t understand.

I don’t want to say much about this.I rather keep quiet than end up quarrelling with my family members.

I missed MC so much that just after a day he came back from Karimun,he have to go back there again.

And the worst is,he just called and said that he won’t be back till after Sunday as the ship will only touchdown on Sunday.

Haven’t spend much time with you and there you have to go again.

I know,it’s your responsibilities and that’s why I don’t say anything about your work.

I have to accept this cos I know all along this is your kind of job and I can’t be sighing about it.

It’s only that I felt at lost and upset when I need you and you have to be there overseas leaving me behind….

I just badly miss you,my dear MC.

Bestfriends

I thought being bestfriends,we should be there for each other when we need them?

Guess,it will only happened from me to my bestfriend but not vice versa.

Sometimes,I wonder how come I can be with Diva as bestfriends for years…

Perhaps,last time and now is different and time have change.

Peopl change I believe.

Who knows I will turn out to be the same?By the time when it happens,Diva you cant end up being upset with me.

But again,hopefully I wont be like that cos I’m not that type of person.

Still remeber that incident where you were upset with me with MC?

Actually,I should be more upset rather than you.

Recalled what I spoke to MC yesterday about Diva and me.

He can even name the difference that both of us have but yet we can still be bestfriends which he don’t understand.

Me and Diva are two different kind of person with one being patient and the other being inpatient.

Diva will only worry about things which got to do with her.

Never she worry or asked about me when things happened to me rather than worry about herself.

Yes,I am upset with that and MC is right,Diva is the type of person who thinks of herself.

What to do?

Diva have changed since the day she got his boyfriend and also since she work as airstewardess.

At times,I just have to endure cos I cant be bother as maybe we have been friends for too long.

Post celebration b’day.

It was meant to be a post birthday celebration as said by MC.

It was just like other Fridays where I was eager to go off from work place.Well,it is simply because it’s TGIF!

ha ha

At 4pm,I received a msg from MC.

MC:Today meeting me,right?

Me:Ya.

MC.Ok,see you at 5.30pm.I’ll pick you up as normal.

Me:Ok.See you.

Time:5.20pm

As normal,when comes to Fridays,I will be the first one to go to the toilet to touch up or whatever I need to do.

At 5.30pm,clock out and there I was looking for MC as he msg me saying that he was already reached.

I was looking for him when I realised he was in a grey Mitsubishi Lancer GLX.(Actually,I already know cos Diva told me earlier asking if MC never ask me out as he had rented a car.)

The moment I get into the car,I told him :

Me:How come you never tell me that you rent a car?

MC:Oh,sorry.Was too busy to tell you. (with his smile)

Me:Ok. But next time at least let me know lah,I was searching for you.

MC:Ok,sorry birthday girl. (show me the innocent face)

Throughout the journey,I kept asking him where were we going but he kept saying on why must he let me know.

I was told to just sit in the car and wait till we arrived the place.

The moment he turned from Vivocity,I knew where we were going.

I was surprised cos just that day I was thinking of going to Sentosa one of these days before fasting maybe.

Didn’t expect I will be there in one of the days so soon.

As soon we reached Sentosa,the rain stopped where he was very glad.

We had dinner at the Beach Bar(if i’m not wrong).After eating the food,the waitress came with the cake birthday song was being sung where I was totally blushed. (didn’t expect that he will do that).

As we were eating the cake,I saw at the left side where it was like “chaotic”.

MC:Apa yang you tengok-tengok?(What are you looking at?)

Me:Wondering what is that? (showing towards the place)

MC:I also don’t know.

Me:hmmm…. (still wondering what is that…)

Then we make our move and when I realised,we are walking towards the direction where I showed him just now.

So,I asked him:

Me:Are we going towards the right direction?

MC:Yes we are.Anything wrong?

Me:No,nothing.

Then we have to wait for 10 mins before we are being allowed to be in.

While chatting and he kept capturing my pics and him together.

Then the guy incharge of the gate instruct both of us to be in.

I was surprised as we were the first to be in for the Songs of the Sea.

Throughout the show,I noticed how he smiled when he saw me enjoying the show.

Cant remember how many times I kept telling him thank you for the birthday outing.

After that,we went to Fort Road where he gave me the birthday gift.

He wore for me the bracelet and the handphone leash.

Not only that,he gave me a box of chocs with Winnie the Poo inside the box.

We chit chat until it’s time to go back.

Overall,I had an enjoyable evening and another event where I won’t forget.

Thanks MC!